A Toxic Affair Read online

be that anymore. It’s tearing me apart. It’s hurting me.”

  “You and me, we have completely different ideas of how a relationship should work,” he continued. “I always thought, and still think, that it should be about two equal people being together and respecting each other’s freedom; with you…” he hesitated, almost scared of saying it. But he pushed on nevertheless. “With you, it seems like you want to control your boyfriend. You have ideas of set rules: the man pays for everything, the woman is the boss, and I don’t believe in that. I don’t enjoy it. I… I just don’t like being controlled.”

  She considered his words for a moment. Then, with surprising calmness, she said, “Okay,” and walked away.

  And that was that: the story of Sam and Sandy, of control and manipulation and lust and guilt, finished after one hundred and five days.

  Message from the Author

  This story has been based on my personal experience. Many of the events described are simply exaggerations or alterations of things I experienced, so this is in some ways a true story. It is, at the very least, based on a true story.

  I want to thank you for reading this far. It means a lot to me. I don’t know why you chose to read this book, but perhaps it was because you, too, find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship. In some ways I was lucky: I was never physically abused, and I was able to go home for the holidays to escape it. Perhaps you are not so lucky. But even so, I want to offer you hope that you can get out. I know it seems hopeless and terrifying at the moment, but believe me, the moment you decide to use your fear as fuel rather than a ballast is the moment you experience freedom you never thought possible.

  My one piece of advice is to get away. Even if you have been cut off from friends or family for years, you can still count on them. Especially parents: they will never let you down, despite anything they or anyone else has said. Go and spend some time with them: a week, a month, a year. Because chances are how you feel now is how I felt: like what you feel, what you experience, is normal. Trust me, when you take yourself out of the situation, talk to someone you can trust and avoid that person who’s making you feel bad, you’ll discover that it really isn’t. What you called ‘happiness’ with your abuser is really only a lesser form of misery.

  It may seem odd that a story about emotional abuse portrays the man as the victim. It is commonly assumed that domestic abuse, both emotional and physical, is something only women suffer- but that isn’t true. I am testament to that. I am a man, and this story is based closely on my own; specifically, my own experience of being a fresher at University and of my first serious relationship which, with hindsight, I wish I’d had the courage to leave earlier. Men and women alike can be abused by a partner. Gender is not an issue.

  Once more, thank you for reading this book. I hate to sound like a soap opera but if you have been affected by anything you have read here, there are some places you can go online and in the real world for help. The BBC has a good website listing all the different places on the web where you can find help, and if you don’t happen to live in the UK, The Hotline and National Coalition Against Domestic Violence are available to help in America.